I'm a shit and I know it

A reply letter to a friend:

Yes, I don't like to be wrong. Who does? Do YOU like to be wrong? I am just willing to defend myself more than most people, but don't you dare tell me I don't admit when I am shown to be wrong. I have apologised for being wrong many times.

What part of me telling you “I’m a socially awkward loner” don't you get? I DON’T KNOW how to make people feel good. I DON’T KNOW how to be naturally nice. I DON’T KNOW how to make people feel special. I DON’T KNOW how to make my real appreciation for something clear. I suck socially and I have been aware of this for a very long time.

The only way I know to express my joy or happiness is through photographs, and I am trying my best to get seriously into that again. I’m trying to take more photos of people (with limited success) because I’m hoping that will make me take more notice of the humans beings around me. See things I don’t normally see.

I thought you understood I was this fucked up socially. Over the last few month I DID noticed you were getting fed up. I tried to be better, but I really don't know how.

I know I can be insensitive, but I’m not a rock either. I might prefer to keep my feelings suppressed, but I do have them. I do see things. I do feel things. I to realize there are people around me.

What is happening here is precisely why I prefer to actively keep people out of my life. Sooner or later they start accusing me of things I’m open and honest about. The accusations are not new information to me.

Someone telling these things about myself don't hurt me. I’m honest about them and could not give a flying fuck that others know this. What does  hurts is that I have no idea how to change, and the people doing the accusing seem to have this expectation that their accusations will somehow make me change. All this does is remind me that I don’t know what I’m doing, again.